There comes a time,in every single mums life when you look around you and take stock of what you've lost,what you've gained,whats ahead of you and how you thought your life would be.Then find yourself captivated by the notion to immediately traverse to the nearest tallest building,and fling yourself from the top of it.
Its not the solitude.We're very good at ensuring we're not often alone.The dwarves are always around for one thing.In the absence of a warm body to snuggle down with we can be mascara'd,stiletto'd and in a cab at the drop of a phone reciever. We mostly have jobs,despite what you may surmise from the toothless exceptions on daytime tv. Some of us have careers that we've had to battle against demanding childminders and chaotic public transport to keep on track.
It's not that, as we get older,the exes seem to mount up.
A lot of them will have found their 'one for keeps', and of course you're happy for them, or indifferent..it's just that you thought you were their one for keeps once.
Maybe its when the new young girl at work, the really pretty one with the tiny waist and shiny hair, not much more than a baby herself and bringing up a baby on her own, confides in you about her dread for the years ahead.
About the time when loneliness got the better of her,and cash flow left her no money for the internet or 'going out', so she got the baby from his sleep, dressed them both up and went for a stroll to the local off license. Praying that she might meet her 'one for keeps' in this manufactured accidental way. The guy with the ready smile she'd seen around buying ready meals for one,who's heart would welcome this beautiful disenfranchised pair. But noone ever smiled,and she confided that at 19,she couldn't see anything more in front of her than getting the two of them up,dressed,through the day and back home again. Of course I know she'll meet someone,she turns heads wherever she goes. He'll treat her and her son with the respect and tenderness they deserve. This conversation took place 6 years ago,and though she's had some 'oh,so closes', its not happened for them yet.
My friends tell me its the looking for love in all the wrong places.
I form ridiculously strong attachments and fondness for people I've never shared oxygen with. I am drawn to men I never get the chance to sit down and talk with in pubs and bars. I try and remain clear headed and shun all talk of meeting up...and despite swearing I wouldn't,I couldn't, I find myself on train platforms,waiting for the Next Big Thing. Two days later, I'll emerge. Elation gives way to exhaustion,and depression creeps in with no resistance when the soul-mate you joked you ordered online slowly becomes 'that guy you never hear from anymore'. What got you into all this? The friends who told you,whilst rolling their eyes,that the latest boyfriend you introduced them to was no good,and maybe you should try a differerent approach than going for looks and proximity to home.
Maybe its the trying to be all things to everyone.Mum,Dad,Santa Claus AND the Easter Bunny to blameless children,the dedicated employee,who hasn't had a day off sick for fear of being thought unreliable,the entertaining friend who can't for a moment let the party girl mask slip,the minxy potential mate,that leaves you panting and wide eyed,constantly running to stand still.
You end up so knackered that that a hurtling free fall away from it all to certain peace starts to look so much more attractive than the next thirty years,watching tv,work and not getting your hopes up.
Or maybe its just bloody birthdays