Showing posts with label STUFF ON MY MIND. Show all posts
Showing posts with label STUFF ON MY MIND. Show all posts

27 Jan 2013

Fat Pants

Tried to find original image source but couldn't. Used under creative commons license




























The scene

Tescos, looking at huge, comfy 'full briefs'

Redhead: Just get the pants. No-ones going to see them

Me: OK


24 hours later


Me: You know you're not hot when your OWN sister makes you get fat pants because no-ones going to see them.

Redhead: NO NO I didn't mean that

Me: Take me home please

15 Jan 2013

New York New York

I've had to insert a jump break here, as the New York Municipal Galleries embed was making the page impossibly slow to load. I hope you'll still read more
Thanks






How lovely is this? Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be in New York.
Now I can, without the jet lag and the credit card bill!
You can too.
Just follow the links.

27 Sept 2012

Hip Hip Hooray!





I got lovely things for my birthday!
Total surprise, and wonderful night. The toast of the evening was 'We're all where we're supposed to be, right now, with each other', which means a lot to our own peculiar family. I'll tell you a bit about us.
Dad moved from Glasgee to Manchester at 15 with his family. He met my Mum at a soul club in 1971.They went on to have a passionate but stormy relationship, got married, and I came along in 1972. Yes.
Mum and Dad didn't make it, but I saw enough of him growing up to really know the bones of him. He let me into a part of his life,a club djs life, which few people get to see, the day times. My Dad was always the fun parent to me. Mum was always studying for something or shouting, or being a bit 'weird'. Dad would come and get me and we'd drive through Manchester in the rain listening to the radio and talking about dreams and wishes and hopes. Still do now.

22 Sept 2012

Juice Fast

So, it is no surprise to any of you that I'm a bit of a big girl. I've been big since I was 17...left the organic, macro-biotic, wholefood obsessed mothers care and a life long affection for fried, fatty, 'bad foods' and when those were unavailable, just too much of the good stuff too, took over. Also, cake, as you can tell has always been a fave too.
Lets get real. It's an addiction. I'm prone to addiction. I have always been happy to surrender my will to anything that comes along..unsuitable boys, irrelevant hobbies, expensive collections, fast food...so with any addiction you want to kick, or have to, you have to
JUST STOP DOING IT
I watched a show on USA Netflix about a fat guy who fasted on fruit and veg juices for 60 days. Juiced them right up in the trunk of his car, and travelled America.
It's just occurred to me he may well be an investor in a juicer firm.
Oh.*penny dropping*

Anyway, the guy lost nearly a hundred pounds, came off his Prednisole and looked ten years younger. I'm not on any meds, but over the last year, I have developed 'fatty symptoms' I never had before, and I want to see if I can rid them naturally. Here they are. Tell the truth and shame the devil.

  • I walk for more than say, an hour, my right knee feels like its sliding all over the place
  • I snore like a mothertrucker
  • I have multiple chins
  • I have bingo wings you could use as curtains
  • I have lost all motivation to do the things I used to make myself do. Things I never enjoyed but knew I had to just get on with, I just will not do. That way lies the way of the hoarders, the clutterers, the mad.
  • The most shameful of all, I sweat a lot. It's gross.

So, lets say I try for 10 days on a fruit and veg juice diet, and then see how I feel. I will check symptoms against this, and I have put it 'out there' so no going back now.
Wish me luck!



21 Sept 2012

Lovely things

Just a pictorial post showing some of my favourite pics. No ranting today.
I've been busy setting up a new Tumblr (for my love of Superheros and comics,) its called
itwasallajoke(link in case you're interested and awaiting the schools detention notification texts
now the boy is back in school.
I also applied for a family fund grant, because the kid needs an Ipad, 
the tablet I bought him is really hard to use, and he's got into Youtube in a big way bless him.
He makes unboxing videos of Monster High Dolls.
Don't ask.

gorgeous cabinet for bathroom, once I've sorted the flooring out

DIY moth screen at Claires, instagrammed. Natch


cake thief


same cake thief, different day. I promise.

champagne and cupcakes



13 Sept 2012

Launch of The Millpond

Remember when I was working on a special project? Well it's done..I'm proud to show the logo I designed for Beer and Bourbon, part of the new venture of The team behind Manchesters famous Frog and Bucket.. Introducing The Millpond, Stalybridges new premier venue.
You'll have to excuse me now, I have wine to drink.
Hope to see you here soon

Summer Favourites







So it's time Summer and I gave up this dysfunctional relationship.
When I'm all dressed up for it, it doesn't show up, but as soon as I start to move on, and accept it's over, who should appear without so much as an apology?
Couldn't have got through it without these guys, which I would do an in depth, awesome review of, but frankly, I have an event to attend, and I have showed most of these things before.
  • The San Moritz Fake Tan Mousse was a life saver when it came to flashing the flesh (which, believe me, I don't do a lot.
  • Fake eyelashes, just the individuals to add a flutter to the peepers
  • White Diamonds, because life's too short to reapply perfume every time you have a shower
  • Boots Essentials Lip Balm for when everything else is just too much like hard work
What have been your Summer-must-have-in-your-bags?


13 Aug 2012

London 2012

Never thought I'd write anything remotely connected to a sporting issue. But then the Olympics aren't any old sporting event. I'm one of those people who sob at any public event. Something about people coming together and doing stuff always gets me right in the tear ducts.
Even Moss Side Carnival gets me all messy in the mascara stakes. I find it's often easier to view such gatherings through a lens. The sliver of glass really removes you from what's going on, which is how reporters must cope.
So, without the filter of a camera, I was exposed, raw and childlike to an alien world where people worked together, sacrificed everything and pushed themselves to breaking point, for Olympic glory.
I will never forget the sky full of Mary Poppins, the final molten ring being hefted into position, the spontaneous laughter when the winner realises they're safely in the lead. Mo's uncontrollable anguish and joy as he crossed the line first, and then again. Louis Smiths beautiful face and grace even when Gold was taken by someone else. Usain's sheer self belief, and exhilarating speed. 
Every face in the crowd had a story, and every body on the track had a mission.
Last night was a bit of a mixed bag...the 3d of Lennons face was stunning, and I totally 'got' the rush hour theme, shame it wasn't built upon more, but it wasn't ever going to top Danny Boyles opening ceremony anyway. I loved the ballet, and sobbed when the flames were distinguished.
It really is as though a light has been turned out. 
I marvelled at the montages, and think it's such a shame that the media for the most part insist on showing us all how shit we are (dispatches etc) when actually, we're not so bad. 
We're pretty bloody amazing really.
So good bye Olympics 2012. I wasn't there, but I will never forget it.

20 Jul 2012

Spare Bedroom Tax (strong language)

Where do you go if you're on benefits and living in 'social housing'
The scrap heap
According to my housing association, if you have 2 children under 16, and they don't share a room, and you are working but receive any, I'll repeat that ANY housing benefit, you will lose it. Make them share. Who do they think they are? Little under priveliged kids who's parents were too stupid to have children when their incomes were not higher than the poverty line.
Housing benefit, even if its a minimal amount is an indicator that either your rent is too high, or your income is too low. It means that the children of these parents can get them a meal at school, help with uniforms.
Quite basic help.
But invaluable.
It's also about 15% into the proposed cuts that are to come. It won't affect me because of Joshuas DLA, until they find a way to squash that, but on behalf of the people it will affect, it makes me mad.

If you're on income support or JSA, as the Universal Credit will become, you will also lose that benefit, but as we're all scroungers anyway, surely thats what we deserve?
Because the only people worth caring about are those that took advantage of the free university courses (soap dodging scroungers) or  Mum and Dads money, and have lovely, un benefitted lives and keep out of the way of everyone else.
See, in life, noone cares where you've come from or where you're going. They just see the worst you've done, or statistics of the things you did.
Well, we can't all be graduates. If we could have been, it would be compulsory for everyone to obtain a degree at high school level and therefore be worthless.
We can't all keep awesome jobs, because some of us have children with conditions that mean fortnightly or monthly meetings at schools or with case workers and development workers and employers are surprisingly resistant at having to deal with X who's had her lunch at X.XX every day for the last 10 years and now is having a BITCH fit at being asked to shift that around for me so I can have the extra hour.
We don't enforce maintenance and childcare on errant fathers enough, it's still seen as very much the girls fault if she can't provide for her children without some sort of benefit, but noone apart from Jeremy Kyle seems to ask and where is the father when the child needs picking up from school or meetings?
Well, my ex, the father of his children hasn't paid a penny maintenance since 2004. He pretends to be an employee of his girlfriend, so his assets as a successful business owner aren't compromised. He is also an ex soldier, and quite often berates anything smacking remotely of liberalism, to the point of borderline facism. He laughs at the poor, the unemployed, the disabled, the out of the ordinary, because thats what the army taught him to do. Believe me, his mother, God rest her soul, brought him up better than that.
We pay from being 17 into national insurance and taxes, and should the worst come to the worst and we need to draw on those resources ourselves, we go from dutiful citizen to 3rd class scrounger over night.
We are told, this is how the world looks at you
We know in our heads and hearts this is a temporary set back, that we will rise again soon and be back to spending, gas guzzling, credit debt acquirin good ole girls and guys.
But you xxx who called us scroungers, and wanted us to justify every life choice since before conception, and sit in the dark and just stop making the place look messy, I will never forget.
Every funny meme shared on Facebook, every snide remark about what time you think I wake up, what size tv you think I have, what I eat and feed my son, whether we have a holiday, all this adds up and makes us view the world differently. You think the children going through these times of distress don't see their families ridiculed and cast out of society in this way?
Do you think you could manage all this on your own, look great, get that job, deal with the housing associations and the council tax and the bailiffs and the kids having no internet to look up the time of the buses so they can get the hell out of these social housing hell holes and meet their friends, and the dented tins in Tesco, or the slugs eating the pitiful tomatoes you try to grow?
Could you xxx, my friend.
So how about you go your way, I'll go mine, and when things are back to normal and I hear you spouting about shit life choices and chav scrounging layabouts or see these shitty facebook memes and some random respectable looking woman walks over and slaps you one, thats me love.
Because you might need help one day.
But it won't be there.
You'll probably blog about a yesteryear when there was a system where our tax and NI helped those between jobs and houses and status and even though it was hard, there was help available.
As you're carted off to the McWorkHouses and your assets are stripped and sold off and your own children aren't allowed to speak to you because you have no income. You'll never admit you were too busy pointing the finger and shoving the shopping list at people on that system to notice what the men in power were really up to.
Which is just how they want it.
Or didn't they tell you that on facebook?



17 Jul 2012

Sex With Strangers

There comes a time,in every single mums life when you look around you and take stock of what you've lost,what you've gained,whats ahead of you and how you thought your life would be.Then find yourself captivated by the notion to immediately traverse to the nearest tallest building,and fling yourself from the top of it.

Its not the solitude.We're very good at ensuring we're not often alone.The dwarves are always around for one thing.In the absence of a warm body to snuggle down with we can be mascara'd,stiletto'd and in a cab at the drop of a phone reciever. We mostly have jobs,despite what you may surmise from the toothless exceptions on daytime tv. Some of us have careers that we've had to battle against demanding childminders and chaotic public transport to keep on track.

It's not that, as we get older,the exes seem to mount up.
A lot of them will have found their 'one for keeps', and of course you're happy for them, or indifferent..it's just that you thought you were their one for keeps once.

Maybe its when the new young girl at work, the really pretty one with the tiny waist and shiny hair, not much more than a baby herself and bringing up a baby on her own, confides in you about her dread for the years ahead.
About the time when loneliness got the better of her,and cash flow left her no money for the internet or 'going out', so she got the baby from his sleep, dressed them both up and went for a stroll to the local off license. Praying that she might meet her 'one for keeps' in this manufactured accidental way. The guy with the ready smile she'd seen around buying ready meals for one,who's heart would welcome this beautiful disenfranchised pair. But noone ever smiled,and she confided that at 19,she couldn't see anything more in front of her than getting the two of them up,dressed,through the day and back home again. Of course I know she'll meet someone,she turns heads wherever she goes. He'll treat her and her son with the respect and tenderness they deserve. This conversation took place 6 years ago,and though she's had some 'oh,so closes', its not happened for them yet.

My friends tell me its the looking for love in all the wrong places.
I form ridiculously strong attachments and fondness for people I've never shared oxygen with. I am drawn to men I never get the chance to sit down and talk with in pubs and bars. I try and remain clear headed and shun all talk of meeting up...and despite swearing I wouldn't,I couldn't, I find myself on train platforms,waiting for the Next Big Thing. Two days later, I'll emerge. Elation gives way to exhaustion,and depression creeps in with no resistance when the soul-mate you joked you ordered online slowly becomes 'that guy you never hear from anymore'. What got you into all this? The friends who told you,whilst rolling their eyes,that the latest boyfriend you introduced them to was no good,and maybe you should try a differerent approach than going for looks and proximity to home.

Maybe its the trying to be all things to everyone.Mum,Dad,Santa Claus AND the Easter Bunny to blameless children,the dedicated employee,who hasn't had a day off sick for fear of being thought unreliable,the entertaining friend who can't for a moment let the party girl mask slip,the minxy potential mate,that leaves you panting and wide eyed,constantly running to stand still.
You end up so knackered that that a hurtling free fall away from it all to certain peace starts to look so much more attractive than the next thirty years,watching tv,work and not getting your hopes up.

Or maybe its just bloody birthdays

A Note About Michael Joseph Jackson August 29, 1958 - June 25 2009.

Picture Source:http://www.fanpop.com/spots/young-michael-jackson/images/15153184/title/young-michael-photo






















As a daughter of a dj, and an only child, all I had in my young life was lots of my own company and my records. I would wait til mum had gone to work in the school holidays, gather my records around me and plug my mike into my stereo. My record collection in 1983 amounted to a Smash Hits compilation, some of my dads old stock (Earl Klugh, KC and the Sunshine Band, Friends of Mr. Cairo by Jon & Vangelis) and Michael Jacksons Off the Wall and Thriller. Somehow, I got through the hours, and days.
My little radio show, was basically one hour of Michael Jackson, interspersed with letters and replies to Kathy and Claire being read out loud by me, to an audience of woodchip and wool carpet. As I got older, me and my friends would learn Michaels' dance routines off by heart, but it was to take another 15 years before I perfected the moonwalk. More than anything I wanted to see him live, but when the BAD tour came to England, I was laid up in bed with 30 stitches to my leg and only my lifesize poster of Michael Jackson on my door to compensate. I grew up, moved on and Michael and I went our seperate ways musically. I was always keen to hear his new stuff, but I like most people found the controversy surrounding him a little too hard to bear...even after taking it all with a good deal of 'he's just being ironic' or 'thats just the tabloids being stupid'.
Then of course, THOSE stories started to leak out, which were too much to ignore. I will go on record as saying that had I been on a jury in that trial I would have found Michael Jackson innocent. Guilty of being naive certainly, for craving the attention of those he felt akin to certainly, and for being thoroughly taken advantage of by those who knew him best and had the most to gain from bringing down the most adored figure in international popular culture.
Anyone looking at that pale, frail, man knew he was a soul in turmoil, always striving to get away from the hideous childhood memories that haunted him, by building a zoo in his grounds, buying a monkey, or changing his physical appearance to something only his rapidly prospering plastic surgeons recognised. With his music, whatever people say about him, he touched my life as a child, a thousand miles away from another gender, class and colour, with a light and sparkle that nothing else ever did. He inspired a life long love of good pop music in me and infected me with a penchant for accessorising ones' outfit. He showed the world that a guy could dance and still be sexy in a time when boys would just gaze at their shoes. He showed other singers how to do it properly.
In these times of 'do it yourself' music and disposable-churned out daily mp3s by one hit wonders, we are left without the last iconic, genuine superstar. A flame has been extinguished with the death of Michael Joseph Jackson.
Let him rest in peace

11 Jul 2012

Daniel Tosh and Other Unfunny Jokes

Last night was a strange place on Twitter.
Earlier in the day people had been commenting on a Tumblr post from the friend of a girl who ended up going to see one act, and then Daniel Tosh turned up onstage. She objected to a rape joke, and he retaliated with a suggestion she get raped by five guys there and then. She left. Understandably.
As I said in my last post about rape and in particular, the porn age, when sex and mysogyny is allowed to be so unintelligently part of the everyday vernacular, idiots like this are going to use it in their acts.
His defence on Twitter seemed to be 'she heckled me, I shut her up'
Any comedy club will tell you, before the act, and at the time of booking, 'please stay silent during the act'
Heckling of any sort is forbidden. Of course, booze and a lively atmosphere mean this gets ignored, and often bouncers will step in where a comedian has a timed act or the heckler is spoiling other peoples night. Heckling is not what happened here. She expressed 6 words.
Actually. Rape. Jokes. Are. Never. Funny.
Maybe she should have voted with her feet and left. I would have waited for him after the show and asked him why he felt serious sexual crime against women was something to laugh at. I would have told him awful stories about a few of the people I know who have survived, and some who took their own lives after surviving it. I would have lectured and debated and made the little shit really bored and regret his entire existence. She's not me, and he's not a rape survivor, therefore his 'bad things happen, we can joke about them' and his even more unfunny 'dead babies' hashtag statement is redundant and unearned.
It made me really question having a Twitter account to be honest. What am I saying to the world? I get so wrapped up in my own friends and little bloggy bubble, I forget anyone can read what (there really is no point in a twitter if youre going to lock it) I tweet.
It also showed me how many truly ignorant people have access to the internet. I thought with some things, a level of cerebral competence was required. Its hard to remember passwords and shit. Somehow, low functioning plankton can get on the web now and use it to support this fool with 'should have raped her' or ''bet she was too ugly to rape. Things like that.
I believe Mr Tosh to be an extremely conflicted little man. I believe he has sociopath tendencies which his career allows him to exploit. I believe he appeals to a sector of society which may have the same issues. I believe he has a strong following that could be utilized to make a change for good in this world. I believe he would rather take the money and run. He got 100,000 new followers as a result of fridays outrage, so I'm sure he believes he is in the moral majority.
Welcome to the future.

9 Jul 2012

Is Music Dead?

I just read an interesting blog post on Etsy and its comments, about an article by an intern admitting she had never bought a CD and had thousands of songs in her Itunes account. Apparently this has created a shit storm. You've got the youth hating brigade there who will absolutely find a negative angle and use it to bash the yoofs of today, the struggling artist who may as well be holding a cup out on a street corner and the right ons who immediately will point out how they would NEVER do anything so vulgar as listen to music on a digital device.
The post raises the point that many people will choose fair trade coffees but steal music files. These are the same people that will not hesitate to complain if the server of the fair trade coffee didn't smile in the right way so they get that coffee for free. As consumers, and the 'entitled' population, we've allowed ourselves to want everything, quickly, and for as far below the retail price as possible.
I am a music lover.
I love good music.
Be it pop, pop indie, pop rock, pop punk, pop classics.
It's all pop music to me if people from more than 3 countries know who you're talking about.
People who still believe their music tastes are unique, or eclectic, or 'indie' are deluded or probably under 30. As you get older, you look at your Deus and Smog and Sigur Ros, not as a way to 'define' you as a person but simply a nice set of tunes that have probably seen you through (or caused?) a few bouts of depression in between the Abba and the ZZ Top. It generally means some suited marketing over qualified graduate somewhere in the head offices of a corporation, be it Myspace or EMI decided they were getting their investment back and made sure you wanted to hear this music. So you did. There's no magic to it. It's been a decade since I heard anything that made me want to copy the singers clothes or tattoos or hair colour, but that's a good thing as I approach 40.
I have wasted literally thousands of pounds on albums, because thats what the companies want you to do. With the advent of cds wiping out the EP format (which was generally all the good songs off an LP plus a couple of mixes and half the price, and better artwork) now there is the album, and the singles.
I bought an album after hearing a couple of songs, and mostly was disappointed. When album music is so different from the singles released, you can't help but feel cheated. I want my money back. Back to Black? 5 good songs. Hysteria? 5 good songs. Everything by All About Eve, ever? 3 good songs. Have em back, honest.I'd rather have the cash.
Not a popular view.
Some people still think if you LOVE music you must suffer a little with the shit songs because that shows how much you love the artist. Bollocks to that. It's music. It's a luxury. The price was always over inflated to compensate the zillions of people involved in the distribution. The savvy artist puts the work in with the tour and makes the millions endorsing products, writing good material for other people, being reliable, consistent and not just fucking around shoving coke up their noses and firing members of the band.
Or did you think talent equated riches?
If the record industry had shown anything approaching the genius they get paid for, they would have seen the wave of digital media coming and released DRM protected content, with embedded lyrics and videos or photos on memory sticks and MP3 players, and made the hardware sexy. It's the ease of use that makes the mp3 and 4 so appealing, not because its attractive, and so many of us music fans wanted the sexy black records, the sexy glinting steel and wood of a quality stereo, the artwork on an inner sleeve. Well it was when I was younger. Now I just want the song. I could care less what the band looks like, or how it makes me look as a consumer of it. Handel, who I listen to every day has been dead for a fair few years. The mp3 is the musical equivalent of a ready made sandwich. Quick, cheap, fills a gap but you wouldn't want it instead of a Sunday dinner. And thats because with the exception of Apple, the people who make the MP players aren't thinking about the people who are using them really.
As for the old record shop culture, yes, the 80s were great, I had hours to spend perusing the racks of new releases, only to end up buying some compilation from the bargain bin, courting the staff so they'd greet me as one of them, batting eyelashes under a floppy fringe at the guy who always seemed to be in there at the same time as me. Nice memories, but frankly, I'm over it and the judgement and the cliqueiness and the pretentiousness of it all, and if I am, you should be too.
So there.
I will buy albums if I like them and know there's a good chance I'll like more of it than not. For my 40th birthday its going to be me, a bottle of good champagne and the entire Rolling Stones back catalogue. I've devoutly refused to buy anything from them before, as I felt they were age inappropriate to a child of the 70s. Too predictable, but I'm really looking forward to it.
Not the handing over of hundreds of pounds though.
So, where do I stand on the file sharing versus legal distribution?
File sharing (full stop) is wrong.
It is wrong and against copyright laws.
It is morally wrong, and always a roulette game. These days. Do it enough, and your anti virus software will have a meltdown. There are legal sites where you pay a reasonable membership or fee per tune and you soon have a collection you NEVER have to fast forward.
All killer, no filler.

25 Jun 2012

It's just geography

Posh starts a new school today. Yes, 5 weeks before term ends for Summer break. I am being paid (£12 a week for his bus pass) out of the pocket of one of his old teachers to take him to another school, further away from home. Josh was one of those children who were shipped off to another school on an external exclusion. I was given 2 days notice of that. When I went in to school to express my concern I was told it was legal as the boy was disruptive...but the exclusion was for a number of points accrued over time for different things.
I'm pissed off that so near the end of school I've had to shell out for new sports socks, shorts and trousers, I'm pissed off that a 13 year old aspergers (socially clueless) now has to get public transport into the fucking centre of chavtown and out again, I'm pissed off that Manchester Health Academy have had me running around in circles for years with meetings and plans and God knows what, but didnt even send the new school any of those plans, I'm pissed off at sitting in rooms with professionals who just talk at me, and the boy, I'm sick of hearing how all the other children with Josh's condition are lovely and well behaved, so why isn't he? I'm really pissed off that this is happening so near to term end, and no-one particularly gives a fuck.

So, yes, ASD kids can get shipped around and hidden from statistics, in 2012.

*UPDATE*

He is going back to his old school in September, after having stones thrown at him.

Also, I never got the £12 a week promised

I have to buy another whole new uniform.

Aint it great.

19 Jun 2012

Charity Shop Treasure

Inspired by the lovely MrsThriftyUK (link) and the fact that once my Scart convertor comes (todays post...or else) you won't see me for dust (GTA awaits, San Andreas is taunting me) I thought I'd catalogue some of my favourite charity shop finds. None of these things cost me more than five pounds. I love them all.
Gorgeous and strange. If a cs purchase isn't one of these things, you don't need it  £1.75

1 large bowl, 5 little ones. Would be worth 3100 if wasn't all chipped.  £4.00

£2.00 Was pristine when I bought it, but I dropped it. Still lovely though

£5.00 which is a lot I thought. Cancer Research in Didsbury. Wouldn't you know.

£4.99 each, feather cushions from John Lewis. Kittens have destroyed them.

Mid project, will be white with crystal door handle and lit inside. £10 from Ashton

Gorgeous pressed glass. £1.00

17 Jun 2012

Online Dating.

I might start my own online dating agency.
Just so I can impose these rules.
Rules, y'all, not guidelines.
Any deviation will be met with imprisonment.

  • If you join this site, you are forbidden from joining any other site. And no scoping in real life either.
  • You may not join this site if you have ever been unfaithful, married and left in the night, called a woman a derogatory sexually insulting name, won't take your mother shopping or accused a man of being gay because he didn't fancy you
  • You may not join this site if you are, or have ever been suspected of being racist, misogynistic or homophobic
  • You may join this site if you are vegan, but at the first mention of tofu, you're out. Pizza is fine.
  • You may not use this site to demonstrate your poor impulse control (see bullet point 3)
  • You must use your real name. 
  • You may not refer to yourself as a nice guy/girl and then demonstrate the ten reasons that make you an arsehole
  • You may not ask for contact only from users who can overlook your 'gum disease/flatulence/refusal to conform to societies oppressive demands for personal hygiene, homelessness situation' and then insist they be 'athletic, take good care of themselves and sexually adventurous'
  • You may not write an 'ironic' personal profile 
  • You may not join this site if you use the 'you remind me of my bitch of an ex wife' within the first ten messages to another user
  • You may not join this site if the idea of 'just being single' and 'sorting your shit out' provokes a very strong nervous reaction
  • You may join this site if you are looking to find an emotionally fulfilling, mature relationship with a like minded individual
  • You may not join this site if you lost a partner to death or infidelity within a twelve month period
  • You may not use the phrase 'loves to cuddle' when what you mean is 'I'm not sure the old fella works, it's been a while'
  • You may not use the phrase ' love to cuddle' if you mean 'come near me with an erection even after committing to each other and you're leaving without it'
  • You may not express a preference for anyone who is 'childlike, innocent, trusting or physically challenged' Various fetish sites exist and you're much easier to avoid if you're registered with them
  • You may not post a cryptic phrase in your profile in the hope that users wil respond with curiosity or witty comments. It's not an ice breaker. It's stupid. Users have the full right to mock and block you if this tactic is employed
  • You may not make up a list of 'activities you enjoy' that are blatantly 'opposite gender specific' unless you do not request a refund, or bitch about it when you find yourself living in hell when your bluff is called. RPG weekend away? Fashion shows with no nudity/transparent clothing? You asked for it
  • You may not use this site at all if you are feeling irrelevant and invisible in real life and just want to make other users feel as shitty as you do
  • You may not be an estate agent or a 40 year old 'newly qualified' barrister
  • You may not skim over a users profile and choose only to believe that which you want to
  • You may not join if you believe your 'hotness' is capable of changing a persons fundamental character
  • You may not join if you refuse to accept that anyone in your middle aged group is a 'finished product'
  • You may join this site if you can write concisely about the best bits of your personality, with a representative full length photo and let users approach you if they like it
  • You may be rejected by the objects of your affection. This is at your own risk. You may not badger,  insult or troll these users.
  • You will be nice or leave

So there we have it.
I'm off to buy a house near the beach, and a Mercedes convertible. And have botox. And pick off all the hotties. Like all good dating gurus.
List of rules is subject to change whenever I say so.

13 Jun 2012

It's Never Too Late

Due to his inability to remember to come home before most other children's bedtimes, I've had to start picking him up from school again.
Secretly I'm loving the extra time spent with him.
We go for groceries, and he talks rubbish.
He's growing away from me in his head, and I'm not quite ready for it.
Plus, who would carry the cat litter?

So tiny!

End of Primary school disco
Josh, neice and I
The family that grooms together stays together
That tiny boy with a kite seems like another life time ago






We could never have loved the earth so well if we had had no childhood in it.  ~George Eliot