17 Jun 2012

Online Dating.

I might start my own online dating agency.
Just so I can impose these rules.
Rules, y'all, not guidelines.
Any deviation will be met with imprisonment.

  • If you join this site, you are forbidden from joining any other site. And no scoping in real life either.
  • You may not join this site if you have ever been unfaithful, married and left in the night, called a woman a derogatory sexually insulting name, won't take your mother shopping or accused a man of being gay because he didn't fancy you
  • You may not join this site if you are, or have ever been suspected of being racist, misogynistic or homophobic
  • You may join this site if you are vegan, but at the first mention of tofu, you're out. Pizza is fine.
  • You may not use this site to demonstrate your poor impulse control (see bullet point 3)
  • You must use your real name. 
  • You may not refer to yourself as a nice guy/girl and then demonstrate the ten reasons that make you an arsehole
  • You may not ask for contact only from users who can overlook your 'gum disease/flatulence/refusal to conform to societies oppressive demands for personal hygiene, homelessness situation' and then insist they be 'athletic, take good care of themselves and sexually adventurous'
  • You may not write an 'ironic' personal profile 
  • You may not join this site if you use the 'you remind me of my bitch of an ex wife' within the first ten messages to another user
  • You may not join this site if the idea of 'just being single' and 'sorting your shit out' provokes a very strong nervous reaction
  • You may join this site if you are looking to find an emotionally fulfilling, mature relationship with a like minded individual
  • You may not join this site if you lost a partner to death or infidelity within a twelve month period
  • You may not use the phrase 'loves to cuddle' when what you mean is 'I'm not sure the old fella works, it's been a while'
  • You may not use the phrase ' love to cuddle' if you mean 'come near me with an erection even after committing to each other and you're leaving without it'
  • You may not express a preference for anyone who is 'childlike, innocent, trusting or physically challenged' Various fetish sites exist and you're much easier to avoid if you're registered with them
  • You may not post a cryptic phrase in your profile in the hope that users wil respond with curiosity or witty comments. It's not an ice breaker. It's stupid. Users have the full right to mock and block you if this tactic is employed
  • You may not make up a list of 'activities you enjoy' that are blatantly 'opposite gender specific' unless you do not request a refund, or bitch about it when you find yourself living in hell when your bluff is called. RPG weekend away? Fashion shows with no nudity/transparent clothing? You asked for it
  • You may not use this site at all if you are feeling irrelevant and invisible in real life and just want to make other users feel as shitty as you do
  • You may not be an estate agent or a 40 year old 'newly qualified' barrister
  • You may not skim over a users profile and choose only to believe that which you want to
  • You may not join if you believe your 'hotness' is capable of changing a persons fundamental character
  • You may not join if you refuse to accept that anyone in your middle aged group is a 'finished product'
  • You may join this site if you can write concisely about the best bits of your personality, with a representative full length photo and let users approach you if they like it
  • You may be rejected by the objects of your affection. This is at your own risk. You may not badger,  insult or troll these users.
  • You will be nice or leave

So there we have it.
I'm off to buy a house near the beach, and a Mercedes convertible. And have botox. And pick off all the hotties. Like all good dating gurus.
List of rules is subject to change whenever I say so.

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