Your Disco Needs You

Friday night round where I come from is skankin night. 

We don't really skank skank. 

As in you know, shag about.

 Its just that whole attitude and energy that descends upon you from the Gods of Disco in a nightclub, or hired room of a pub that makes you wind a little lower than your knees and dress seams say you should, dance a little bit harder than your age says you should, and move a little closer than your sense says you should. I've been doing it since I was illegal, and I don't show any signs of stopping, even though the faces and the styles of music around me have changed and I say 'That was crap, never again' every single time. 

So Should skanking be something you'd like to try at home, follow this easy recipe. Who knows maybe you too could feel as rough as we do every Saturday morning weekend.

You will need

1. Rose wine -  The sort that 'drinks better' when one's obnoxiously intelligible, silk wearing, drunk ass is squished into the back of a friends car.

 *Usually found in a 3 for 10 pounds deal if you supply this yourself. If someone else is buying this ingredient, insist you only drink champagne or a decent white grenache..

      2. Venue Our current preference is something called a bashment night. This is loud fast reggae-afrobeat-soul-grime with a lot of bass and interrupted every ten bars by one of the ten dj's (hereafter referred to as 'the crew') giving 'shoutouts' and 'big ups' and bursts of sirens so you know when shits really about to go down. 

      3.  Twitter/FacebookAccount - with which to poke and post really flattering pictures of yourself with obvious questions about the night to crew members so 'they know who they about to be dealing with' and also so you can reference these postings when various crew members do their little meet and greet as the night wears on.

*If said crew members don't recall your pics or postings, you're wearing either too much makeup or not enough. This is important information  

      4. The Starter Dress - This will be the dress you put on when you're freshly made up, the hair is exactly how you want it and you feel,actually, rather hot.

*this is because you've been looking at yourself for the last hour or two and have learnt to love the bits you can see, and convince yourself that the lumpy bits don't exist. This is absolutely necessary

       5.  The Dress You Actually Go Out in - When you catch a glimpse of the back fat in the bedroom window.

*self loathing and refusal to actually leave the house at this stage is quite normal. Drink more 

        6.  Makeup - Because the right mascara will make you look 3 stone lighter. Fact.

        7.  HQ - Nice friends car, within which to stash Rose, hairspray, ballet shoes, have a cry, have a snog, have a bitch, blast many necessary decibals of music into your drunk brain.

        8.  Familiar Faces - They're not friends, but you  see them enough to say hello, have a dance or flirt with, they provide entertainment and the comraderie that comes from having to hide one of your party from on a dull night

Method

    

         If you have assembled all the ingredients in order, by now you have everything you need to win at life. Its messy, it makes your feet and brain hurt. It sure as hell won't improve whatever might be wrong at home. But there, trapped inside the heart shattering bass and underneath the glitterball, the whole world stands still for a moment. 

Everything around you is touched with the glow of possibilities and you forget the back fat and the bills and the stupid boys that didn't call. 

New boys will call, you'll lose that weight, get that job, afford that holiday.

Its you and your best dress and your best friends, reaching out to rays of light and sound. And they always find you. 

You're not alone.

Your disco needs you.