11 Jun 2011

Why Work In Retail When You Can Be Happy

Dear customers.
These are hard times. You're being squeezed left right and centre by the chancellor, bosses, staff, cut backs, blackouts, upturns, downturns, double dips and house prices. We get it.
We kare, the retail staff of the world, also customers in our spare time.
Not many professions can say that.
Your custom is important to us.
We will bend over backwards literally to make sure you get the best deal, the best price, the maximum savings and outstanding service, not just for your money, but to create a good experience for you in our shop so you can feel confident in the things you buy.
Sometimes you gotta be where everybody knows your name and we're always glad you came.

We don't even care if we spend half an hour helping you find the perfect three pound eyeshadow and you screw up the randomly generated customer survey invitation.
In front of our faces.
We'll still help you tomorrow and the next day.


If you're wondering why you're always the customer who no-one ever helps...who finds shops to be echoing halls of soulless money grabbing ignoramuses who go out of their way to avoid you and your gaze, and its happening more frequently, maybe just maybe, you've had the misfortune to be cloned and someone who looks just like you is running all over town doing things like this;

1)  Bad clone has been opening sealed (by the manufacturer) products containing ingredients that degrade with exposure to air. When there is a tester, or transparent container directly in FRONT of you. Yes, we are aware you are the most important person in your world. You work hard for your money. We better treat you right. But you see, every single one of the thousand or so people who will visit our shop that day also are the most important people in their world, and some will actually need to buy that product. And you won't be around to point to and blame when that customer has to return the product that is too thick or drying out too soon or the brush is ruined because you wanted to paint your nails for free.

2) Bad clone has been walking into a shop with children just like yours (but far naughtier of course, yours are sublime! Geniuses! Angels!) and simply forgetting that children need watching at all times. These clone babies are capable of stripping a display unit of make up, chocolate, perfume and any brightly coloured boxy type area in the same time it takes a human parent to gaze vaguely at a wall of nappies/baby milk/fake tan.  products. But you didn't see it, and while they look familiar to your own babies, clearly its only 'other' peoples babies that act so silly surely.

3) Bad clones are programmed with a see-want-leave function. Any obstacle to this causes an emission of air from the mouth. This is, in fact one of the biggest clues you have bad clones in your store. Humans see 3 tills open and a busy queue and either shop a little longer until there is a smaller queue or just have a little faith in the knowledge that their time will indeed come. Bad clones tut and exhale loudly and stamp, to cool their electricky gizzards. Its not comprehensible to them, as they are soulless people bots after all, that their emissions are making an undesirable situation thoroughly unpleasant for all around. They are also known to be hostile when arriving at the checkout.

To these clones I am sending out a message..please take your custom elsewhere. 
We have enough arseholes already.

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